A collapsible, fold-up bicycle is quietly mocking you because it feels intellectually superior.
The new ‘Brunton Commuter 5000’ can be deconstructed into an area of just one 1m³, yet somehow manages to be in the way wherever it is placed, bending space-time to occupy at least double that amount.
“We have really taken this technology to the next level,” Andrew Devereux, chief designer at Brunton said at the product launch.
“Not only will the 5000 model automatically position itself right where you’re going to trip over it, we’ve added anthropomorphic technology to make it look all smug and self satisfied while it does it.
“Obviously, this model comes with all the usual features, such as unfolding in crowded spaces and depositing dirt or oil on everything it comes within 10 feet of.
“But our end game has always been to incorporate full AI into our bikes, so that they can lecture you about your carbon footprint while simultaneously applying bicycle clips to their rider’s calves.
“Technology is moving fast, so I’m sure that is not far off.”
One of the first members of the public to get their hands on the new model was Terence Lightfoor, who was excited to try out his new ride.
“I’ve been waiting years for a bicycle that gives off the same sense of moral and social superiority as I do, while simultaneously making everything filthy and tripping people over,” he said.
“The model 5000 seems to cover all bases for me and I can’t wait to ruin everybody’s day when I drag it onto the train on Monday and place it right in the fucking aisle.”