Very-much-straight rugby lads across the United Kingdom have increased their homoerotic activity in the build up to the Six Nations final.
Reports of outwardly heterosexual men doing gay things in the name of banter have increased tenfold in the past week and the number is only expected to rise as tensions reach fever pitch.
“It’s the same every year,” said Quentin Horculus-Smith of the Institute of Sports Science.
“The championship starts with a bit of a spike as the younger lads get carried away and start getting naked after a few beers, but then it levels off.
“Towards the end, the elder bears enter the fray and they have steadily been getting more and more excited as the competition progresses.
“The whole thing is basically tantric sex for repressed middle-class men who can’t cope with all the burly men slapping into each other with their muscular thighs and tight tops.
“Soon, getting naked isn’t enough and we begin to see ejaculating or urinating onto things or putting their genitals on each other – all for bants of course!”
The field of study extends beyond the simple monitoring of sexual activity as Horculus-Smith explains:
“Typically we can predict peaks and troughs by analysing other key indicators, such as the sales of gilets,” he said.
“Any boost in sales figures for gilets, bootcut jeans, tan loafers or Peroni, is usually followed by a load of men getting their penises out around a Rugby match.
“We’re told it is just guys having a bit of a laugh, but I’m certain there will have been instances where it’s spilled over into a massive orgy – and good for them.”