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Everyone using work showers just pretending they’re semen-free


People who use the showers at their place of work are choosing to believe that the facilities are not merely slippery, sperm-filled wank capsules, according to a study.

The survey, conducted at over 1000 large offices in the UK, revealed that every worker that took advantage of the onsite facilities were aware that they are riddled with jizz, but simply put it to the back of their minds.

“I know for a fact that there is sperm all over those cubicles,” office worker Terence Lightfoot said.

“That’s because I’ve been blasting one out in there for years now – pretty much every morning since I joined, really.

“There’s definitely enough DNA in there to clone an army of marketing managers and I would be astonished if I was the only one doing it.”

“It’s best not to think about it really, because what am I going to do after I cycle in on my fold-up bike? Sit at my desk sweating up my new T.M. Lewin sharkskin suit? No thanks, buddy.”

Cleaner Beverley Trunt claimed that the problem is rife across the country and feels that something should be done to stop the epidemic.

“Every office shower has a layer on slime on the floor that people can surely feel in between their toes – and it’s not shower gel,” she said.

“But I suppose if it goes some way to stopping the men groping anything in sight then it’s a small price to pay.”