The Republican Party have clarified their stance on late term abortion, stating that women can still have a termination as long as it is by an indiscriminate hail of bullets in a classroom.
New guidelines confirm that women can end a pregnancy free of the worry of any legal repercussions, simply by enlisting the help of a traditional all-American crazed school shooter.
“We actually feel that it’s OK to abort foetuses up to the age of 21 years,” a spokesman for the party said.
“But only in cases where the infant is part of a mass slaughter involving a firearm and in which the spree eliminates at least 20% of the classroom.
“True American patriots know that the second amendment protects all of our freedoms and we think women should be free to have their unborn baby blasted out of their uterus with an AR-15.
“Of course there may be some risk to the mother, but no more than if she went to a backstreet surgeon under fear of life imprisonment.
“Ideally the woman would give birth to and raise the child for a number of years before it’s dispatched by a madman, but hey – we are a progressive bunch of guys.”
Not all Americans feel that the clarification amounted to progress, however, with feminist groups going so far as to criticise the party.
“While this may appear to be a softening of their stance, we can’t help feeling as though nothing has changed,” said women’s rights activist Dorothy Plant.
“Hanging around a school waiting for an inevitable attack seems like a somewhat inefficient way to address a health issue such as this.
“It is a radical idea, admittedly, but perhaps we should try criminalising ownership of demented lethal weapons over safe medical procedures.
“Overall women are probably better served being treated by professionals in a hospital rather than cowering under a desk with a bunch of eight year olds.”