After announcing her resignation from office, Prime Minister Theresa May has confided in friends that she is eager to finally take off the human suit she’s been wearing for over 60 years.
“This fucking thing has never fit properly,” Mrs May reportedly said.
“Every move I make rubs against the grain of my scales which is as painful as it sounds.
“No wonder people say I look uncomfortable in my own skin – it’s clearly been designed for someone else.
“I can’t wait to cast the thing aside and stretch my claws out across a nice big rock to soak up some warm sunshine.”
While Mrs May has something to look forward to, she will also look back on her time as Prime Minister fondly, according to reports.
“She… she thinks she did really well,” a Number 10 insider told us.
“In a way, the fact that she held on this long is actually quite impressive, but there were just so many gaffes – remember the red, white and blue Brexit?
“Nobody really has the heart to tell her she was a total disaster.”