Home Lifestyle Rory Stewart MP’s guide to getting absolutely smacked off your tits

Rory Stewart MP’s guide to getting absolutely smacked off your tits

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Conservative leadership contender Rory Stewart MP has been criticised for openly admitting that he smoked opium while travelling in Iran and by talking about his own experiences with opiates, he hopes to open up the discussion around safer drug use.

Hi guys, I’m Rory Stewart MP and I’m here to talk to you about opium, a drug that I mistakenly took in Iran when I politely smoked a pipe that was passed to me at a community wedding.

Opium is very powerful and from just a small amount I was soon inspecting the inside of my own skull with saliva pouring down my cheek while collapsed in an undignified heap on the floor.

Sounds bad, right? Wrong!

There is a reason why so many people do drugs and on that fateful day I discovered why – they are pretty bloody great.

I have not been able to put the pipe down since and with my simple guide, you too can be so completely off your tits that you would actively want the job of Prime Minister.

Step 1 – Get that good shit

If you’re going to take a highly addictive substance every day, you don’t want to be putting street level garbage into your body – go direct to source.

My time in Afghanistan means I get the very cleanest gear available, meaning I can still function well enough to vote in favour crushing austerity for those who can only afford shit stuff.

I gave George Osborne a hit of a batch called ‘Osama’s Virgins’ before PMQs one week and he shat himself on live television LOL.

Step 2 – Use a traditional smoking pipe

It’s a class A drug in Britain, so you want to fly under the radar and with needles you might as well tattoo ‘I’m a demented skag fiend’ up your forearms in Comic Sans and run naked into your local police station with a condom full of it hanging out your arse.

I use a traditional Englishman’s smoking pipe – I call it The Secret Agent – which is the perfect cover.

Down at the private member’s club, EVERYBODY has got a pipe on the go, meaning you can pop a bit of the good stuff in yours and puff away with nobody noticing until you start pawing at Boris Johnson thinking you’re at Disney on Ice (Classic Gove).

Step 3 – Be rich

As with anything in life it helps if you are incredibly wealthy and so can avoid all the usual pitfalls of substance abuse that are commonplace among the lower orders.

Being rich affords you legal, medical and psychological support should things all start to get a bit ‘Grayling’.

For example, one time I was found face down and covered in piss – possibly mine – outside a branch of Claire’s Accessories, with somebody’s cat that I had rescued (strangled), yet with the right number written on my chequebook it all went away.

So there’s my three-step guide to getting absolutely shunted – I hope you all enjoy responsibly.

Rory x

Please do not take drugs – Editor.