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25 coffees a day will not affect your heart but you will shit your pants, study shows

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Researchers at Queen Mary University have found that drinking up to 25 coffees a day is no worse for your heart than drinking one.

However, they concede that downing 25 coffees would cause you to violently soil yourself.

“Yeah the heart can take it but unfortunately the arse cannot,” researcher Hameed O’Toole said.

“Most of our test subjects suffered catastrophic explosive diarrhoea after the 5th cup, but their arteries were absolutely fine.

“A number of participants didn’t make it to the bathroom and had to be given new trousers and shoes to go home in due to the power of the blast.”

While they were unaffected physically, some of the test subjects had to receive counselling after the ordeal.

“There was just no warning,” volunteer Fanny Pringle said.

“One minute I was having coffee pumped into me, then before the crippling anxiety had time to kick in I just felt a twitch in my bum and a massive torrent of hot filth was jetting into my gusset.

“It was like day 3 at Glastonbury in that room – I can’t even look at a Starbucks now.”