With violent crime seemingly on the rise and the ever-present threat of terrorism hanging over the UK, there has never been a better time to brush up on the basic rules of self-defence. MP Mark Field gives us his top tips for staying safe in a dangerous world.
Hi, I’m Mark Field, Conservative MP for Cities of London and Westminster, and today we’re going to go through my top tips for surviving an attack from an unknown assailant.
#1 – Stay Sharp
It’s vital that you stay alert at all times and not get distracted by the foie gras mousse that’s just been served up because that shit’s so good it’ll make your eyes roll back into your massive sweating dome.
To make sure I never switch off, I maintain a heightened state of anger by reminding myself that my tax money is probably being used to feed schoolchildren instead of buying a big gun or something.
#2 – Act Fast
When you sense the slightest whiff of danger at a banquet or other exclusive event – perhaps a hippie chanting loudly or a crying child – you must strike immediately and without hesitation.
There’s a high probability that your attacker is wielding unwashed dreadlocks or even some sort of hemp-woven satchel, so landing the first blow will reduce the chances of them touching you with it.
#3 – Shock and Awe
Look, I’m a peaceful man and I don’t want to see anyone hurt, but if the cheese board hasn’t come out yet and someone cuts short a speech about reducing disability benefits, they’re fucking dead.
The trick is to go for sensitive areas like the throat, which not only acts to incapacitate, it’ll also get the cunt to pipe down about whichever character from Finding Nemo has gone extinct this week – two birds, one oil spillage.
So there you have it – stun your attacker with speed and ferocity and you’ll be back in your seat before the dessert wines have been poured.