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Man to be entrusted with nuclear codes can’t even delete browser history

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The future Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland still does not know how to delete internet browsing history, according to reports.

An shocking exposé in the Guardian revealed that police were called to his flat in Camberwell following reports of a loud argument in which he shouted “get off my laptop”, suggesting that his girlfriend Carrie Symonds had discovered incriminating material.

“Expecting Boris to have bothered to learn about how browsing history works is like expecting Katie Price to be well read on string theory,” a friend revealed.

“He thinks laptops are disposable computers so she probably found one in the bin.

“It’s obviously not password protected because he would never remember it, so once she’s wiped all the jam and butter off the keyboard there would really be nothing between her and any sensitive information.

“He’s clearly been caught with his hand in the cookie jar when really it should have been deleting them off his computer.”

It is as yet unknown whether the laptop revealed that Mr Johnson had been visiting lurid websites or if he’d remained logged in to an account containing improper communications, but security experts raised concerns over his suitability as leader of the country.

“If he can’t even delete history, let alone use incognito mode, then how are we going to trust him with nuclear launch codes?” technology expert Gareth LePlen said.

“For a man who is such a high-level deviant, this is basic stuff.”