Self-styled “yellow vest” protester James Goddard has been found guilty of being a total virgin.
Goddard was convicted after Manchester Magistrates’ Court heard he walks around in public with a hi-vis on, screaming about Brexit and filming it on his phone like a fucking weirdo.
“It’s clear that the defendant has absolutely no interest in the act of love making with another living human being,” the judge said.
“Besides the clear video evidence that he behaves like an utter freak in public, the prosecution presented numerous Warhammer figurines with crudely painted breasts on them and an array of Fleshlights modelled on the vulvas of famous porn stars.
“In all my years I have never seen such a massive virgin and I hope never to see such a case ever again.”
During the hearing, Goddard held up a piece of paper on which he had written: ”Pussy coward leftist soy boy”, seemingly unaware that this merely confirmed to everyone in the room that he had never witnessed a human vagina in real life.
“He might as well have held up a piece of paper declaring he hadn’t washed his micro-penis in 15 years,” a witness in the public gallery said after the hearing.
“I’ve literally never been drier than I was being in that room with him, the man’s like a human dehumidifier.”