Russian president Vladimir Putin has denied accusations that he deposited a steaming log on Theresa May’s desk during the G20 summit in Osaka.
Camera footage appeared to show Mr Putin climbing onto the desk in front of the stunned British prime minister, fellow leaders and gathered press, before pulling his trousers and pants down and bending out an enormous turd.
He then proceeded to plant a Russian flag in the excrement and shouted ‘take this toxic substance back to your lab for analysis you dogs.’
“I categorically deny these lurid accusations,” Putin said.
“The footage is clearly doctored and although the United Kingdom has shown us great disrespect and probably deserves it, this particular act was not carried out by me as my bowel movements are obviously much bigger and more manly.”
While the evidence appears to be irrefutable to many, some have defended Mr Putin, suggesting he may not have been the culprit.
“If he says he didn’t do it, I believe the guy,” US president Donald Trump said.
“Sure, I was in the room and it looked kinda like him, but it’s a big room, right? You can’t believe everything you see in the fake news media.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn also appealed for calm.
“We must analyse all the available evidence before jumping to condemn the leader of another nation,” he said.
“The multiple HD video sources that appear to identify him are a start, but they do not tell the whole story and I’d appeal to everyone to reserve judgement until the horrifying length of stinking faeces that was left on the UK’s desk has been analysed in a lab to determine its true source.”