Some children are so badass that they’re being recruited at primary school age by super-cool drugs gangs, according to a report by the Children’s Society.
Children as young as seven saw off competition from edgy kids twice their age to get coveted roles in the coolest criminal enterprises in the land.
“There is evidence that very young children are so fucking sick that they are personally targeted by leaders of the hottest gangs in town,” states the report.
“Many of us will rightfully be horrified that we were never that cool and never will be.
“It is, however, a mark of how we lead the way in innovation and the government’s investment in our youth – our future is bright.”
One local dealer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told us:
“All the other kids my age are pissing about with Pokemon, but I’m out here hustling because money never sleeps.
“If you think a worthless education is going to be enough to look after my future family, then you’re as deluded as all the other kids in year four.
“My mum is still trying to pay off her student loan on a B&Q wage, so you’ll understand why I’m on road stacking paper instead of practicing joined-up writing on it.”