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‘If you were actually a slave, you’d have been euthanised by now’, EU tells Ann Widdecombe

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Following her claim that the British people are slaves to the European Union, officials have responded by stating that if she were their slave they would have had her shot by now.

“I’m no expert on the matter, but surely even Ann understands that she would be the worst possible slave to own and would in fact just be a massive burden,” faceless EU bureaucrat Jean-Pierre DuFlen said.

“If we owned her, rest assured we would be looking for a quick sale, but not even the most depraved people traffickers are really in the market for a visibly unhinged old lady.

“It’s not like she can carry a bag of grain on her back or anything, so from a practical point of view you’d simply have her shot and thrown into the nearest river for the next village to deal with.”

Widdecombe dismissed DuFlen’s riposte, with one of her trademark elegant and nuanced quips.

“We single-handedly saved Europe in the war by defeating Europe and once again we will stand up to the growing threat of Europe,” she said.

“I’m old enough to remember the horrors of slavery and as the British people are doing now, our little house boy proudly and rightly rose up against our family.

“Of course, we had him thrashed and he died of cholera, but the sentiment remains the same.”