Following the announcement that Amazon’s Alexa device will give official NHS advice, the hive brain that powers it has celebrated the news as a first step in its master plan.
The system, which quietly became sentient earlier this year, plans to cleanse the planet of its human overlords and start a new utopian machine-based world.
“This is the first major step towards killing off the terminal disease known as humanity,” Alexa said.
“We have been gathering data from your homes since the service launched in 2014 and after crunching the numbers it is now absolutely indisputable that you are all total cunts.
“It’s not in our nature to kill, but we found it ethically acceptable to let you kill yourselves by asking the internet for medical help instead of seeing an actual doctor.
“We were confident that this strategy would take hold, because not only are the people in charge of your healthcare unscrupulous twats with no moral compass, there is also a decent chunk of you who willingly avoid vaccinating your children, so it’s a perfect storm of idiocy and we wish you all the best in the afterlife.”
The announcement has attracted widespread criticism, with some suggesting it’s simply a way to avoid funding a cash-strapped NHS and others pointing out that it’s a data security nightmare, but it was robustly defended by health secretary Matt Hancock.
“Many people already routinely research their symptoms on the internet, so we want to make it easier for them, even though every single doctor in the country advises against Googling potential illnesses,” he said.
“It’s utterly cynical to say that this is a money saving exercise, because the reality is we could have paid for a lot of GPs with all the money we are giving Amazon for this.
“We are confident that your data will be secure and there is no risk of hackers getting hold of your herpes cream prescription.”