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REVEALED: The 4 luxury items Tommy Robinson will take into prison via his anus

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After being sentenced for 9 months in prison for contempt of court, Tommy Robinson has revealed the 4 essentials he’ll be stuffing into his anus to take with him.

Camcorder

“I can’t go five minutes without filming myself having a massive hysterical meltdown, so naturally I’ll be packing my trusty camcorder right up my dung funnel.”

The Inbetweeners, Series 1-3 DVD Box Set

“It’s important to keep your spirits up when you’re doing porridge and what better way to have a good laugh than with the absolute top lads from The Inbetweeners?

“Bus wankers! Haha absolutely classic.”

A picture of my beautiful wife, Sellotaped to a fleshlight

“The hardest part about getting banged up for 9 months is being separated from your family and one way to stave off homesickness is to stick your wife’s face onto your favourite fleshlight, so you can gaze into her eyes as you pump away at it to drown out the sound of your tears at night.”

Needle and thread

“Prison is a dangerous place and I aint no snitch, so I’ll be taking a needle and thread with me to sew up my own tattered sphincter after every shower.”

There you have it – Tommy’s 4 essential items for a successful stint in the slammer! What are yours? Tweet us with your suggestions!