After US Coast Guards intercepted a submarine carrying an estimated £185m worth of cocaine, Michael Gove has revealed that it is actually a term he uses for a method if recreational use.
“When I heard the news I was shocked, because I thought I was the only person who used that term,” Mr Gove said.
“Obviously the story was about an actual submarine filled with cocaine, whereas it’s just a cute nickname my wife and I have adopted for when she pops a straw of the stuff into my bumhole.
“Usually towards the end of a good session, she’ll waggle the little home made blow pipe at me and ask ‘cocaine submarine darling?’
“I’ll assume the position and shout ‘UP PERISCOPE’ to signal that I’m ready to take the torpedo of gak right up me – it’s not only a lot of fun, but also incredibly romantic.”
Gove’s wife Sarah Vine, a Daily Mail columnist, refused to be drawn on the more intimate details of the ritual.
“I will be writing an article on this in the coming weeks, so I can’t give too much away right now, but needless to say Michael absolutely loves a beak blast up him,” she said
“I have been scraping the barrel for things to write about for years, so it’ll be nice to have a proper story to get stuck into that doesn’t involve poor or brown people.”