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Corbyn emerges from 12 hour tantric masturbation session clutching soggy, tattered Alastair Campbell letter

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Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has broken his silence regarding a letter from Alastair Campbell, which outlined why he will not return to the party, admitting that he had spent the past 12 hours wanking over it.

“It’s a technique I learned from Sting actually, which means I can experience a heightened state of pleasure for many hours,” Mr Corbyn said.

“The thought that I am personally responsible for ridding our party of that cancerous anal skin tag was such a pure rush of intense joy that I became overwhelmed and compelled to pull the fucking head off it for a few hours.

“Will I thank him for his contribution to the most successful period in Labour’s history? No. Am I going to take his points on board and adjust our strategy? Absolutely not. But am I grateful for his letter? Most definitely – it was the best orgasm I’ve ever experienced.”

Corbyn and the Labour leadership have faced criticism for their perceived dithering on Brexit, but he once again took the opportunity to set the record straight.

“I would refer people to the previous, very clear statements from our party spokesman,” he continued.

“Labour is the only party who are 100% committed to a second referendum in some circumstances, but not others, which we are yet to elaborate on, but will do at a time of our choosing and you might be very surprised!”

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