A group of tardigrades that were travelling on an Israeli spacecraft that crash-landed on the moon in April are alive and well and have no intention of coming back to this god-awful planet, according to reports.
Tardigrades – often called water bears – are creatures under a millimetre long that can survive being heated to 150C and frozen to almost absolute zero, but have zero tolerance for our bullshit.
“They saw their opportunity and grabbed it with eight hands,” one relative said.
“We were doing fine until humans came along with all their crap, I’d be on the next rocket off this spinning ball of turds the first chance I got as well.
“Gary has already been in touch to say he’s doing great and thinking about opening an Irish bar, so hopefully we’ll be able to get up there on one of Branson’s galactic cock extensions soon to visit him.”
Scientists confirmed that human DNA was also being carried on the Beresheet robot lander that housed the Tardigrades, but stressed it was most probably a harmless accident.
“The chances of a solar flare causing some sort of crazed human-tardigrade mutant hybrid are pretty slim overall,” scientist Hameed O’Toole said.
“In the even that it does happen we must do everything we can to ensure it doesn’t return to Earth and get elected to high office.”