Dominic Cummings’ evil forehead has grown so powerful that it has now taken control of his entire body, according to sources.
The sinister force occupying his face has been gradually gaining territory for years, becoming fully sentient in around 2012, when it began to influence the political strategist with devastating effect.
“Dom was such a kind man before male pattern baldness began a scorched earth policy across his scalp,” one family member said.
“He used to say that he would hear voices on his head and we thought he meant voices ‘in’ his head, but it’s clear now that he was speaking about the face extension that was quickly becoming self-aware.
“It’s now so big and powerful that Dominic is powerless against it – he’s just a passenger in his own body now, watching the chaos unfold.
With Cummings’ forehead steering the country towards a disastrous no-deal Brexit, many have questioned whether an intervention is not only right, but necessary.
“We have been discussing whether it is appropriate to perform a full exorcism or just give him a nice toupee,” Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby said.
“Demonic possessions are rare, but if I’m called upon to flick holy water at his forehead, I’m confident I’m not going to miss that target, even from distance.”