Home Politics Stricken swimmer tells circling sharks that limbs are ‘off the table’

Stricken swimmer tells circling sharks that limbs are ‘off the table’


A British holidaymaker, who has gotten into difficulties out at sea, has initiated negotiations to strike a deal with the local great white sharks. 

Terence Lightfoot found himself in grave peril after swimming too far from shore while one holiday, but insisted he was not concerned about the predatory sea creatures gathering beneath him.

“We have developed a very special relationship as I’ve been feeding them scraps of raw meat all morning,” he said.

“While I obviously have the strength to go it alone here, with the help of my new friends I think the next few minutes could be a real opportunity.

“I laid out my red lines very early on and insisted that my limbs are not up for negotiation, which they have promised to respect.

“Humans are one of the most feared predators in the world, so there’s nothing for me to fear.”

Critics have suggested that Lightfoot is likely to be disappointed when negotiations come to the crunch, as his leverage will be diminished the longer he spends alone, growing weaker as he desperately treads water. The sharks, however, have sought to dispel any such concerns.

“Initially, I did say everything was on the table, but obviously I didn’t mean his actual arms or legs,” one shark said.

“He’s doing a great job of staying afloat and we are ready to sign a deal as soon as his head starts to slip under the surface.

“Make white sharks great again!”