Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has intervened in the heated Brexit debate, making a really helpful speech that has totally calmed everyone down.
Blair delivered a measured, fact-based critique of Brexit in front of the gathered press, which drew immediate praise from across the political spectrum.
“When I saw him trending, my first thought was to wonder what war crimes he’d committed today,” activist Barry Glover said.
“While I was drafting up some pithy tweets about Iraq, I decided to listen to the speech to see if I could get some inspiration, but to my horror he actually made some great points.
“I am certainly worried that agreeing with him on this particular issue makes me neoliberal centrist Dad, but I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
“Now when I see my mates down the pub, who strongly oppose my views on Brexit, I’ll be able to use Tony Blair’s factual statement as a magical olive branch.”
Mr Blair said he was grateful for any and all constructive feedback on his, but stressed that the work was not done and he would not rest until he had single-handedly united the warring factions.
“I’m in a privileged position where I can reach out to the whole country, because everybody loves me,” he said.
“There’s a real opportunity for the centre ground in politics to become the bridge between the two sides of the debate and unite these very emotional people using reason and logic.
“If I can use my broad appeal to move the conversation along, then I will continue to do so.”