Chancellor Sajid Javid has declared the government has “turned the page on austerity” and managed to get through his speech without pissing himself with laughter.
“I am extremely proud to have been able to deliver this good news to the British people without folding into a heap on the floor, clutching my sides,” Mr Javid said.
“I did my best to avoid eye contact, particularly on my side of the house, as I would have just completely lost it.
“Luckily I made it to the end and now I can collect my winnings from the bet I had with George Osborne.”
The announcement will come as a welcome relief to many voters who have struggled to make ends meet for the past decade, leading some to praise Javid’s good news during a turbulent political week.
“It’s great timing, what with everything else going to shit and a general election seemingly on the horizon,” office worker Terence Lightfoot said.
“I was worried that the no-deal Brexit the government was pursuing might make things even harder, but now my fears are completely allayed – thanks Sajid!
“I’ve never been too sure about the Conservatives and suspected they might have made the past 10 years painful for so many of us for no real reason, but putting an end to austerity kind of makes me think they’re alright actually and I’ll probably vote for them now.”