Genius political strategist Dominic Cummings has revealed that trapping his penis in the fly of his trousers is simply the next phase of his master plan to leave the EU with no deal.
The mastermind behind the Prime Minister’s Brexit strategy was seen tugging at his crotch in Whitehall earlier, refusing help from first aiders and ranting about his big plan.
“You idiots will never understand that I’m always 5 moves ahead,” Cummings said.
“While you’re faffing about with the technicalities of the Irish border, I have already taken steps to violently entangle my foreskin in the sharp metal jaws of the zip on my trousers.
“Is the blood merely a distraction? Are the shredded tatters of my genitals a grisly metaphor for our plans for the withdrawal agreement? You’ll just have to wait and see, you pathetic imbeciles.”
Cummings has been accused of appealing strictly to the Brexit-supporting base, showing no signs of reaching out for compromise and many Brexiters celebrating his latest move.
“This tactical masterstroke is classic Dom,” Leave voter Terence Lightfoot said.
“Those unelected bureaucrats in Brussels won’t how to handle the orchestrated chaos of this complex 4D chess move, like when they were completely bamboozled by his shrewd prorogation plans and calls for a general election.
“It’s clear to see that he has read many books, so I’m just glad such an intellectual behemoth is on our side in all this.”