Boris Johnson has appointed his father Stanley to head an inquiry into Islamophobia and other forms of prejudice within the Tories.
Critics have questioned the suitability of the appointment, following a series of very public gaffes in recent months, but Johnson Snr believes he’s the right man for the job.
“Let’s face it: these people wouldn’t be happy whoever was appointed,” he said.
“I will listen to their concerns, even though I probably won’t understand what they’re saying.
“This is an investigation into all forms of prejudice and I’ll be paying particular attention to the much overlooked scourge that is the persecution of old white men.
“Remember, I went on climate protests and campaigned against whaling, so I’m probably more fluffy and liberal than any of these rag heads.”
Eyebrows were also raised at the fact that Mr Johnson has been recruited to the role by his own son – Boris Johnson.
“At this stage, I couldn’t give a monkey’s to be honest,” the Prime Minister said.
“I’ll be doing whatever the fuck I want and the peasants will just have to suck it up.
“Just print something along the lines of: ‘I have every confidence that this independent review will be conducted in the proper manner, blah blah blah…’
“Wait, is that thing recording?”