Yesterday, lobby journalists boycotted a briefing by Number 10 after a number of their peers, including our political correspondent, were denied entry.
Today, the Prime Minister has responded to NewsLoad directly to give the government’s version of events that led to the unprescedented walkout.
While we strenuously deny any accusations of wrongdoing, we will be making no further comment at this time.
That letter, in full:
I am writing to explain the reasons behind your political correspondent being denied entry to a government briefing yesterday, which prompted other members of the press lobby to leave in protest.
Our communications team have compiled a list of improper conduct that has made your reporter’s continued attendance completely untenable.
Such behaviour includes, but is not limited to, the following:
•Trying to get other journalists to join in a rendition of “Why Are We Waiting” to the tune of “O Come All Ye Faithful” before every briefing.
•Referring to the Prime Minister as ‘Top Shagger’ and ‘Heart Disease Wurzel Gummidge’.
•Using the tea and coffee-making facilities to prepare a Pot Noodle and displaying a sign that read: ‘TEABAGGING STATION’
•Heckling every person who stands at the podium with shouts of ‘play Wonderwall’.
•Removing his trousers to ‘get comfortable’.
•Using his seat to do tricep dips and making choo-choo noises because ‘the gains train never stops’.
•Using his allocated question to ask the Prime Minister if he’s noticed the mallard in the room, before loudly breaking wind.
•Violently defecating while attempting the previous stunt, causing considerable damage to Number 10 property.
•Passing sexually inappropriate notes to Laura Kuenssberg.
•Passing sexually inappropriate notes to Robert Peston.
•Asking legitimate questions of the government and demanding a straight answer.
•Insisting every difference in opinion be ‘settled like men’.
•Sending unconvincing ‘ringers’ of varying ethnicities to fill in for him when he can’t be bothered to attend.
I’d also like to clarify that you are not technically banned, you’re just no longer invited. It’s important to note the difference between the two so as to dispel the baseless accusations of tinpot authoritarianism.