Acting Prime Minister Dominic Raab says he is getting down to the serious job of running the country by diligently pressing buttons on what he believes are the controls to the United Kingdom.
The Foreign Secretary has stepped in to deputise for stricken Boris Johnson as he recovers from COVID-19, but senior aides have acted to keep him away from the levers of power as well as a number of sharp objects.
“Dominic was so excited to play Prime Minister,” an insider told us.
“He bounced up to Number 10 like Officer Doofy, wanting to know what colour the nuclear button was and asking if he could wear the ‘Pryminster’s Crown’, so we had to think on our feet to distract him so he couldn’t do any real damage.
“One of Boris’ kids had left some toys behind, so we gave Dominic an animal puzzle game and told him it controlled the entire country.
“He’s been quiet as a mouse up there all day and seemed to still be working on it when we brought him his fish fingers for lunch, so we’re satisfied that things are going as well as possible, given the situation.”
Speaking at an afternoon press conference, Mr Raab was upbeat and insisted the country was in good hands while Mr Johnson is being treated for Coronavirus.
“I have built a special fort, from which I have been operating the country and there are no girls allowed inside whatsoever,” he said.
“Having spent the morning getting to grips with the complex machinery of government, I can confirm that cows go ‘moo’ and something I didn’t quite realise the extent of until very recently – sheep go ‘baa’.
“As Deputy Pryminster, I will keep my loyal subjects updated with any further information that I believe is in the public interest, but for now I must go as I have shat myself.”