In a strategic and tactical masterclass, super-genius Dominic Cummings has defeated himself in a high stakes game of 3D chess.
The chief adviser to Prime Minister Boris Johnson left Downing Street today after picking the wrong side in an internal power struggle, proving that the only person capable of bringing him down is himself.
“I realised early on in life that I am the cleverest man in the whole world and that in order to fully test my abilities against a worthy foe, I would have no choice but to pit my wits against myself,” Mr Cummings said.
“I noticed from reading my own blogs that it was my life’s obsession to get my hands on the levers of power and make radical change, so naturally I sought to hit me where it hurts.
“I allowed myself to be lulled into complacency by waiting until I was at the very top before striking and bringing my own house of cards toppling down within a year by indulging in office politics.
“This is a triumphant day for me, but commiserations to me – a formidable adversary.”
Critics have suggested that the reasons for his departure may not be as straightforward as reports suggest, with the Brexit transition period due to end in 6 weeks and no deal having yet been agreed, all eyes will be on the chief architect of Brexit.
“The idea that I’m jumping out of my car before it plunges off a cliff in a massive fireball, killing all the passengers inside, are way off the mark,” he continued.
“I would expect your foolish mortal brains to be able to understand that I’m always thinking 5 moves ahead of what’s playing out in front of us.
“But, also: yeah if this all goes tits up, it was nothing to do with me!”