Sunday, August 18, 2019
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NewsLoad

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Government adds #KnifeFree branding to Reggae Reggae Sauce

After successfully launching a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of knife crime by adding warnings to takeaway chicken boxes, the government has expanded the scheme to include all Reggae Reggae Sauce packaging.

UK ‘first in line’ for vigorous and unrelenting bumming, US confirms

The UK is "first in line" to get bent over and fucked into oblivion by the US, President Trump's national security adviser has said.

REVEALED: Jeffrey Epstein died after stabbing himself in the back 34...

A leaked coroner’s report appears to confirm that US financier Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide by stabbing himself in the back multiple times.

Manchester United fail to agree personal terms with souvenir shop assistant

Manchester United have failed in a deadline day bid to acquire the services of a shop assistant.

Helpless Dominic Cummings mere spectator as malevolent forehead seizes full control

Dominic Cummings’ evil forehead has grown so powerful that it has now taken control of his entire body, according to sources.

Tardigrades crash-landed on the moon so they don’t have to come...

A group of tardigrades that were travelling on an Israeli spacecraft that crash-landed on the moon in April are alive and well and have no intention of coming back to this god-awful planet, according to reports.

Crumbling Whaley Bridge dam dismissed as project fear

The government has dismissed reports that a Derbyshire dam, which is visibly breaking apart due to flooding, is any risk to the public whatsoever.

Labour claims moral victory in Brecon by-election

Despite seeing their share of the vote drop by 12.4% in the Brecon by-election, with the Liberal Democrats securing overall victory, The Labour Party has claimed the all-important moral victory.

Corbyn emerges from 12 hour tantric masturbation session clutching soggy, tattered...

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has broken his silence regarding a letter from Alastair Campbell, which outlined why he will not return to the party, admitting that he had spent the past 12 hours wanking over it.

Relief as ‘posh wanker’ not on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s list of banned...

After Jacob Rees-Mogg issued a style guide, banning the use of certain words and phrases, his staff have expressed relief that their favourite phrases are not featured on the list.
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