Thursday, September 19, 2019
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John Bercow quits to set up premium rate fetish hotline

Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow announced he would be stepping down yesterday to focus his energy on a new venture – Bercstation.

Sajid Javid declares end of austerity with a straight face

Chancellor Sajid Javid has declared the government has "turned the page on austerity" and managed to get through his speech without pissing himself with laughter.

Burning crucifix shows ‘respect’ and ‘not racist’ say Inter Milan fans...

A group of Inter Milan fans claim Cagliari supporters were showing Romelu Lukaku a form of "respect" when they set fire to a giant crucifix behind the goal.

Public discourse aided by intervention from Tony Blair

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has intervened in the heated Brexit debate, making a really helpful speech that has totally calmed everyone down.

‘Do whatever you want, I’m on holiday,’ Queen tells government

The Queen has approved Boris Johnson’s request to prorogue parliament, admitting she simply cannot be arsed to think about any of this while she’s on holiday.

Stricken swimmer tells circling sharks that limbs are ‘off the table’

A British holidaymaker, who has gotten into difficulties out at sea, has initiated negotiations to strike a deal with the local great white sharks.

Boris Johnson drafts in guy from Fake Taxi to look at...

After recruiting Bake Off judge Prue Leith to help improve hospital food, Boris Johnson has turned to the cab driver from cult porn series Fake Taxi to assist the highways agency.

Concern as GCSE results suggest Britain is raising a generation of...

GCSE pass-rates have increased this year despite concerns about the difficulty of exams, prompting parents to ask whether exams are getting easier or are their children just major dorks?

Trump thinks cancelling a meeting with him is a bad thing

US President Donald Trump is under the impression that people will be disappointed if he cancels a meeting, it has emerged.

Government adds #KnifeFree branding to Reggae Reggae Sauce

After successfully launching a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of knife crime by adding warnings to takeaway chicken boxes, the government has expanded the scheme to include all Reggae Reggae Sauce packaging.
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