Saturday, September 19, 2020
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Nigel Farage fumes after not getting customary handjob from Andrew Marr

Diva Nigel Farage threw a tantrum following a rigorous interview from Andrew Marr in which Marr didn’t give him the customary handjob and warm snuggle that he had come to expect from appearances on the show.

Cleaners excited for office reshuffle

A cleaner working for an insurance firm has expressed his eager anticipation of an office reshuffle, in which he hopes to get given a different job for which he’s woefully unqualified.

Man who Quantum Leaped into Dominic Raab close to giving up...

Time traveller Dr Sam Beckett has conceded that he is unable to figure out how to correct the historical mistakes of Dominic Raab.

Everyone using work showers just pretending they’re semen-free

People who use the showers at their place of work are choosing to believe that the facilities are not merely slippery, sperm-filled wank capsules, according to a study.

‘Brown Sauce’ to be renamed ‘White People Sauce’ following complaints

Brown Sauce manufacturers are now legally obliged to label the product ‘White People Sauce’ following backlash from ethnic minority communities.

Horrific Boris-Clarkson splicing accident to blame for Rod Liddle, scientists confirm

An experiment as part of a study into extreme bastardism ended in disaster as scientists accidentally unleashed Rod Liddle in the UK.

Internet poll decides Tommy Robinson’s new alias: Stubby McBallbag

An internet poll set up to decide Stephen Yaxley-Lennon’s new alias has concluded, with the winning name announced as ‘Stubby McBallbag’.

Richard Branson firing himself into space not as good as it...

Following Sir Richard Branson's claim that he could be launched into space within months on a Virgin Galactic flight, experts have warned that the public should not get their hopes up and that he would likely return to earth.

Chris Grayling’s cleaner wearily resumes daily routine of removing excrement from...

A cleaner employed by Chris Grayling has begun the process of removing human faeces from the sink for the 500th consecutive day.

Driverless Uber still somehow manages to sexually assault passenger

A driverless taxi being tested by Uber has hit a snag in development after a test passenger filed a sexual assault complaint.