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Deleted scene shows John Lewis dragon skinned for designer handbag

An alternative ending to the John Lewis Christmas advert depicts the main protagonist being skinned alive to make a designer handbag, it has emerged.

Dangerous madman Corbyn unwilling to initiate nuclear holocaust

Crazed lunatic Jeremy Corbyn has once again demonstrated why he is a threat to national security, by refusing to commit to incinerating millions of civilians in a nuclear fireball.

‘This is part of my plan you fools’, says Cummings as...

Genius political strategist Dominic Cummings has revealed that trapping his penis in the fly of his trousers is simply the next phase of his master plan to leave the EU with no deal.

Johnson cuts to the chase and crashes ‘Kill Remainers’ bus into...

Boris Johnson has stepped up his war of words with opposition MPs by unveiling his latest bus to the public, featuring the catchy slogan: Kill Remainers.

John Bercow quits to set up premium rate fetish hotline

Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow announced he would be stepping down yesterday to focus his energy on a new venture – Bercstation.

Sajid Javid declares end of austerity with a straight face

Chancellor Sajid Javid has declared the government has "turned the page on austerity" and managed to get through his speech without pissing himself with laughter.

Burning crucifix shows ‘respect’ and ‘not racist’ say Inter Milan fans...

A group of Inter Milan fans claim Cagliari supporters were showing Romelu Lukaku a form of "respect" when they set fire to a giant crucifix behind the goal.

Public discourse aided by intervention from Tony Blair

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has intervened in the heated Brexit debate, making a really helpful speech that has totally calmed everyone down.

‘Do whatever you want, I’m on holiday,’ Queen tells government

The Queen has approved Boris Johnson’s request to prorogue parliament, admitting she simply cannot be arsed to think about any of this while she’s on holiday.

Stricken swimmer tells circling sharks that limbs are ‘off the table’

A British holidaymaker, who has gotten into difficulties out at sea, has initiated negotiations to strike a deal with the local great white sharks.
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