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Sajid Javid declares end of austerity with a straight face

Chancellor Sajid Javid has declared the government has "turned the page on austerity" and managed to get through his speech without pissing himself with laughter.

‘Do whatever you want, I’m on holiday,’ Queen tells government

The Queen has approved Boris Johnson’s request to prorogue parliament, admitting she simply cannot be arsed to think about any of this while she’s on holiday.

Boris Johnson drafts in guy from Fake Taxi to look at...

After recruiting Bake Off judge Prue Leith to help improve hospital food, Boris Johnson has turned to the cab driver from cult porn series Fake Taxi to assist the highways agency.

Government adds #KnifeFree branding to Reggae Reggae Sauce

After successfully launching a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of knife crime by adding warnings to takeaway chicken boxes, the government has expanded the scheme to include all Reggae Reggae Sauce packaging.

Helpless Dominic Cummings mere spectator as malevolent forehead seizes full control

Dominic Cummings’ evil forehead has grown so powerful that it has now taken control of his entire body, according to sources.

Crumbling Whaley Bridge dam dismissed as project fear

The government has dismissed reports that a Derbyshire dam, which is visibly breaking apart due to flooding, is any risk to the public whatsoever.

Relief as ‘posh wanker’ not on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s list of banned...

After Jacob Rees-Mogg issued a style guide, banning the use of certain words and phrases, his staff have expressed relief that their favourite phrases are not featured on the list.

Last remaining Conservative MP admits defeat and enters leadership contest

Marcus Bottletop, the only sitting Conservative MP who was yet to announce they are running for leader, has bowed to peer-pressure, according to reports.

Labour spokesman seeks to clarify ‘crystal clear’ Brexit policy for 8,294th...

A spokesman for the Labour Party says that their Brexit policy is absolutely clear, but again sought to clarify remarks made by MPs which many felt contradicted each other.

David Cameron’s autobiography pretty light on University stories for some reason

As David Cameron prepares to launch his autobiography ‘For The Record’, early reviewers have noted that there is surprisingly little detail about his time at Oxford University.
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