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Following advice that playing golf and tennis would now be allowed under lockdown, the government has gone even further and opened up a number of additional posh activities.
Acting Prime Minister Dominic Raab says he is getting down to the serious job of running the country by diligently pressing buttons on what he believes are the controls to the United Kingdom.
Number 10 responds to the press lobby walkout.
Chancellor Sajid Javid has declared the government has "turned the page on austerity" and managed to get through his speech without pissing himself with laughter.
The Queen has approved Boris Johnson’s request to prorogue parliament, admitting she simply cannot be arsed to think about any of this while she’s on holiday.
After recruiting Bake Off judge Prue Leith to help improve hospital food, Boris Johnson has turned to the cab driver from cult porn series Fake Taxi to assist the highways agency.
After successfully launching a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of knife crime by adding warnings to takeaway chicken boxes, the government has expanded the scheme to include all Reggae Reggae Sauce packaging.
Dominic Cummings’ evil forehead has grown so powerful that it has now taken control of his entire body, according to sources.
The government has dismissed reports that a Derbyshire dam, which is visibly breaking apart due to flooding, is any risk to the public whatsoever.
After Jacob Rees-Mogg issued a style guide, banning the use of certain words and phrases, his staff have expressed relief that their favourite phrases are not featured on the list.
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