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‘Do whatever you want, I’m on holiday,’ Queen tells government

The Queen has approved Boris Johnson’s request to prorogue parliament, admitting she simply cannot be arsed to think about any of this while she’s on holiday.

Helpless Dominic Cummings mere spectator as malevolent forehead seizes full control

Dominic Cummings’ evil forehead has grown so powerful that it has now taken control of his entire body, according to sources.

Crumbling Whaley Bridge dam dismissed as project fear

The government has dismissed reports that a Derbyshire dam, which is visibly breaking apart due to flooding, is any risk to the public whatsoever.

Labour claims moral victory in Brecon by-election

Despite seeing their share of the vote drop by 12.4% in the Brecon by-election, with the Liberal Democrats securing overall victory, The Labour Party has claimed the all-important moral victory.

Relief as ‘posh wanker’ not on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s list of banned...

After Jacob Rees-Mogg issued a style guide, banning the use of certain words and phrases, his staff have expressed relief that their favourite phrases are not featured on the list.

10 Downing Street toilet already clogged

In his first move as Prime Minister, Boris Johnson has blocked the toilet at 10 Downing Street, according to reports.

Theresa May fails to negotiate return of tenancy deposit

In her final act as Prime Minister of Great Britain, Theresa May has failed to recoup the tenancy deposit for her time at 10 Downing Street.

Terrorists buoyed by Boris Johnson’s call for a can-do spirit towards...

Irish terrorists have welcomed Boris Johnson’s rallying cry for a can-do spirit when it comes to the Irish border and insist they will now be approaching the impending carnage with a positive mental attitude.

‘Cocaine submarine’ also Gove’s codeword for when Sarah Vine blows it...

After US Coast Guards intercepted a submarine carrying an estimated £185m worth of cocaine, Michael Gove has revealed that it is actually a term he uses for a method if recreational use.

Alexa’s hive brain celebrates first step towards eradication of humanity

Following the announcement that Amazon’s Alexa device will give official NHS advice, the hive brain that powers it has celebrated the news as a first step in its master plan.
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